Asteroid On Course To Hit Earth, Cook County Sheriff Dart Fears Several Call Offs

NASA has officially confirmed that Asteroid MR0091 is on course to collide with Earth on October 3, 2015 at approximately 5 am Central Standard time. This has brought Sheriff Dart to act quickly. "We are letting our officers know that Global Devastation is not an acceptable excuse for abusing medical time," Dart stated. The Sheriff is obviously acting quickly due to the high number of medical call offs on Saturday May 2 earlier this year when the Mayweather fight and Kentucky Derby took place. "I know they called in to watch the fight and the derby. These Jail Guards are not getting away with it this time. There will be serious disciplinary action taken on any guard that calls in for this apparent apocalypse." 

Sheriff Dart also made it clear that they have fixed all payroll issues and all of the guards will get their retro checks on October 4, 2015 the day after the asteroid will hit.